redwoodalchan

*Sigh* I said I was going to make a fanfic based around the idea of Cori feeding Jessie, James, and Meowth tons of food, so here it is.

This is kinda sorta AU; there’s nothing about it that strictly contradicts canon (I hope) but it doesn’t have a specific time or place relevant to any other part of canon. It’s just…a side quest, if you will. It also gets a bit headcanon-heavy, especially down the road.

“This has been the worst day—no, the worst week—of our entire lives,” murmured Jessie as the terrible trio plodded lethargically through the streets of Celadon City, not making any eye contact with passers-by, who were generally too caught up in their own daily affairs to pay any attention to them.

“Well…look on the bright side,” said James. “The day’s just started. Maybe our luck will change?” He tried to keep his voice upbeat, but there was a strained quality to it, and all three of them knew that he didn’t really believe it himself.

“I’m so tired and hungry,” Meowth groaned.

“Me too,” James chimed in.

Jessie’s face went red at their lack of enthusiasm, and she reached for her giant fan—only to let her hand droop to her side again. She didn’t have the energy to smack them anyway.

“There’s no sign of Pikachu anywhere, either,” James went on. “We haven’t seen the little rat since the last time those twerps blasted us off!”

“How’re we gonna get food if we don’t have any money?” Meowth went on, half to himself, half to the other two.

“I…I don’t know, okay!” Jessie shouted. “There’s…gotta be a way, though. I’m tired and hungry too….” Her voice trailed off.

“Oh Team Rocket!” A singsong voice came out of an alleyway, causing Jessie, James, and Meowth to jump.

“W-what was that?” James gasped in alarm, just as a busty woman with shimmering red-gold hair and eyes that seemed to have literal stars in them stepped out of the shadows. The trio’s mouths dropped open when they saw that she was accompanied by what appeared to be Articuno. But before they could ask about that, she spoke in a smarmy, drawling sort of voice:

“Awww, don’t look so surprised. My name’s Kelly Quor, and I’m a huge, huge fan of you guys!”

“You…know about us?” James asked incredulously.

Kelly looked vaguely affronted. “Do I? I’ve been rooting for you from the moment I first clapped eyes on you on the Viridian City news! The courage, the charisma, the theatrics of what you did back then, why…”--she paused to dramatically wipe her face--“they just bring tears to my eyes.”

“Well…gee, I don’t know what to say…” James began, scratching the back of his neck.

Jessie rolled her eyes before smacking James across the face with her fan. “I think you’d better let me handle this,” she said smugly, before turning her attention back to Kelly. “So…if you’re such a big fan, you’ll kindly tell us where we can find the twerp Ash Ketchum, right? We’re searching for his Pikachu, see, but we seem to have gotten a bit sidetracked.”

“Bah!” replied Kelly. “Why bother chasing a silly little Pikachu when you can be so much more? I want to make the three of you stars!”

Now all three of the Rockets were staring dumbfounded at her. Jessie, James, and Meowth each exchanged puzzled looks.

“Oh, you need some convincing?” said Kelly. “Well, I’d give you more money than you’d see in a year working for that slave-driver of a boss of yours.”

“Hey! Dat’s not a very nice thing to say about our boss!” Meowth protested.

“Regardless, when was the last time you had a proper roof over your head?” Kelly continued, seemingly not the least bit discouraged by Meowth’s outburst. “Or a proper meal? Or some new clothes to wear so you could step out of those stuffy Rocket uniforms?”

Jessie, James, and Meowth exchanged looks again. “She’s got a point, I guess,” said Jessie.

“If you work for me, I’ll put you up in my house, feed you three square meals a day, AND you’ll make money!” she said enticingly.

Jessie, James, and Meowth stared at her blankly, their minds overtaken by thoughts of having a real bed and reliable food.

“Did I mention I used to be a chef before I went into filmmaking?”

“WE’LL DO IT!” the three shouted in unison.

“Hooray!” shouted Kelly, twirling on her heel in a dance. “Follow me please—my home’s just around the corner.” She waved her hand to beckon them, and they followed, shrugging their shoulders, their thoughts still fixated on the promise of a hot meal.

James was the first to regain enough presence of mind to say: “About t-this Articuno….”

“Oh, he’s mine,” said Kelly casually, as though she were describing a pet Growlithe or Ponyta rather than a legendary. “His name’s Sam.”

Kelly lived in a large wooden house on the outskirts of Celadon City. On the outside, it looked like any other large house, with a few well-groomed potted plants lining the balconies and some tantalizingly soft cream-colored drapes visible through the windows. However, inside the house appeared ten times as large and lavish as it had outside. The vestibule inside the front door alone seemed to be as large as the arena in their boss’s gym, and it opened up to a still-larger room covered in a plush, tastefully off-white carpet, up from which rose a twisty, winding marble staircase with a large, ornate door at the top. Below the staircase, and to the left and right, other hallways led into still more rooms. Jessie, James, and Meowth were awestruck. Any comments they could have mustered for each feature they laid eyes upon dissolved into still greater amazement the second they took in something else. “There’s something very weird about this,” James whispered to Jessie. “Even our boss doesn’t have a house this fancy.”

Jessie shot him a look. “As long as this Kelly person gives us a decent meal, who cares?”

Kelly didn’t appear to have heard him. “Gorgeous, isn’t it. Yes, I know it’s a little overwhelming, but don’t worry. I’ve got a special room I’ve prepared just for you.” She winked and beckoned the three of them up the staircase. The door, as it turned out, opened onto another passage filled with still more doors. “How do you keep a place this huge clean?” James asked.

“Oh, I have staff, of course,” said Kelly. “To clean, garden, do my laundry—but not my cooking. I make all my food by hand, from scratch.”

“Ah…yeah, speakin’ of,” said Meowth, “when exactly ARE we eating?”

“All in good time, my dear Meowth,” said Kelly. “I just have to show you to your rooms and give you a chance to get comfortable, and then we’ll eat the best lunch you’ve ever had together.”

No sooner had she uttered the word “lunch” than Jessie, James, and Meowth felt themselves drooling.

“Aaaanyway, here is your room,” said Kelly, throwing open a seemingly-random door. Jessie, James, and Meowth gasped again when they looked inside.

The room contained two beds, with floral-print duvet covers and more pillows than the three of them had seen in a year. One of the beds looked big enough for five children; the other was so small that only a pokemon could fit in it. Two ornate dressers, one on each side of the room, bore the names “Jessie” and “James.” There was even a scratching post for Meowth. In the front of the room was a garish plush pink rug shaped like a heart.

But by far the most shocking thing about the room were the pictures of Jessie, James, and Meowth which lined every spare bit of wall space there was. There were pictures of each of them individually and pictures of all three as a group, pictures of them as children, pictures of each of the locations of their attempted heists and the locations where their balloon landed after they were blasted off. “W-where did you get all these pictures?!” James asked in shock.

“I have my ways,” said Kelly with a sly smile and wink. Then she flipped her hair and turned on her heel again. “I’ll just leave the three of you to get comfortable, and I’ll call you once lunch is ready.” With that, she stalked off down the hallway, closing the door behind her.

Once her footsteps trailed away, Jessie, James, and Meowth stood awkwardly for a moment before Jessie went to sit down on the large bed. James motioned to follow her, but the second he tried she punched him in the face, and he instead took a seat on the floor next to Meowth. “Aaargh!” Jessie screamed suddenly. “Why is there only one bed big enough for James and me to sleep in?!”

“Beats me,” said James. He reflected for a moment. “You don’t think—“

“Think what, huh?” Jessie huffed, rising to her feet and towering over James. “That she just…intends for us to sleep in the same bed like…like we’re married or something?!” As it sank in what she was saying, she quieted down and sat back on the bed. “Oh….”

“Dere’s somethin’ very weird goin’ on—dat’s for sure,” Meowth put in. “How’d she even get all dese pictures of us?”

“Oh, no!” James gasped suddenly.

“What?” Both Jessie and Meowth stared at him, their eyes wide.

“W-what if she’s planned to lure us here with the promise of food…so that—“ he gulped “S-so she can drug us and murder us! S-she could be putting poison in our lunches right as we speak!”

A dark silence fell on the trio for just a few seconds before everyone started crying and screaming. “Oh, no!” Meowth screamed. “We’re all gonna die here! Meowth’s live is oooooverrrr!”

“So many costumes to design!” James bawled. “Regrets, regrets…!”

Jessie was the first to stop screaming, and she pulled out her fan and whacked both James and Meowth, causing them to slump on the floor. “We’re not gonna die!” she shouted, her voice high with both anger and fear. “We can still get out of here. We just…need a plan.”

All three of them struck identical thoughtful poses as they pondered their options. “Could we challenge her to a pokemon battle?” Jessie said, half to herself.

“I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t stand a chance against her Articuno,” James pointed out.

“That’s true,” said Jessie. Then her face contorted. “Wait…where did she even get Articuno from?! You remember what happened the last time someone tried to capture those birds!”

“That’s true,” said James. “If she was able to capture Articuno, there’s no telling what she might be able to do with us.”

“Does dis mean…we may never get outta here?” Meowth whimpered.

“No no no!” Jessie shouted, shaking her head furiously. “There has to be a way out of here! Where there’s a will, there’s a way! Nobody knows that better than us!”

The three of them resumed identical thoughtful poses. There was a delicious smell wafting up from the kitchen, and all three of them felt their mouths begin to water. “J-just ignore it…” Jessie murmured, trying to ignore the uncontrollable rumblings in her stomach.

“Maybe I could try talkin’ to dat Articuno, and see if it’d help us?” Meowth offered. “I am a pokemon, after all.”

But before any of the others could say anything else, there was a knock on the door. “Oh Team Rockeeeet!” Kelly’s singsong voice coasted into the room from the other side. “It’s lunchtime! Come, eat a real meal!”

“W-we’re not hungry,” James called out.

The doorknob turned, and Kelly threw the door open and stepped lightly over to them. “Now you listen to me,” she said, her voice at least two octaves higher than it had been a moment ago, “I worked really hard to fix you this glorious lunch. You won’t let my hard work and dedication go to waste, now will you?” She was pouting, her face looking innocently hurt, but James wasn’t fooled. He knew from spending time with Jessie what a person who was used to getting their way looked like when they were refused, and while Kelly didn’t display the same outward signs as Jessie, that gleam in the back of her eyes was unmistakable.

Jessie opened her mouth to speak, but James whispered quickly to her: “Don’t argue with her. Just…do what she says. We can figure something out later.”

Jessie shot James a look so dark he flinched, but something about his terrified tone seemed to get through, because she heaved a deep sigh and said, “Well, if that’s really what you want…I suppose we could stay for lunch.” She plastered a smile on her face which looked not the least bit convincing to either James or Meowth.

“Excellent,” said Kelly, striding back over to the door.

Jessie, James, and Meowth followed Kelly, flanked by Articuno, down the stairs and to a room behind the staircase they had taken. She sat them down at a table made from tastefully-carved dark wood, which was set for four but looked like it could easily fit at least fifteen or sixteen. “Just take your seats where there are settings,” Kelly said quickly. “I’ll go get my lovely lunch, and then we’ll eat.”

Jessie, James, and Meowth stared at one another for a moment. James quickly turned his attention to Kelly’s Articuno, which was staring at all three of them with its large bird eyes and clawing at the carpet with talons that looked like they could pierce rock. “L-let’s just sit down,” said James. “I don’t like the look that Articuno’s giving us.”

Jessie and Meowth reluctantly followed James to the table. To head off any possibility of fighting with Jessie or Meowth, James volunteered to sit closest to Kelly, so he would be the one to shield the others if she came after them with a kitchen knife.

However, in due course Kelly returned, carrying a casserole dish the size of a pizza box and three times as deep, which was stuffed to overflowing with a gooey, dark-orange casserole of some sort. She then stole back into the kitchen, and reemerged with a large basket in which appeared to be ten or twenty slices of bread, each smothered in sticky cheese. She then sat down. “So,” she said, “you must be so hungry, you poor Rockets. Dig in, don’t be shy!”

Although the sight of the food made all three wild with hunger, they sat still, looking from one to the other in an attempt to keep their eyes off the casserole dish and basket. “It’s probably poisoned,” James mumbled.

Kelly raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you three are worried I’m trying to poison you?” She laughed, and it sounded unsettlingly like bells. “Don’t be absurd! Why would I poison you? You three are my favorite people!” With that, she stood up with her plate, piled it high with casserole and bread, and sat back down before taking a bite out of the bread. She chewed it daintily, then swallowed, and then she scooped up a bit of casserole with her fork and stuck it in her mouth as well. “See?” she said. “It’s perfectly safe.”

Now that Jessie, James, and Meowth had seen her eating the food, their hunger completely overtook them, and they each grabbed their plates and piled them with the casserole and bread, which they stuffed into their mouths with scarcely a bite in between mouthfuls. “It’s…so…delicious!” James sputtered between mouthfuls. Once he’d cleared some room for his tongue, he said: “What is this, anyway?”

“Oh, just Buffalo mac and cheese with homemade garlic bread,” said Kelly proudly.

Jessie, James, and Meowth stared at her, their faces quizzical. “What’s a Buffalo?” asked Jessie.

“Oh, never you mind,” said Kelly with a small laugh.

After Jessie, James, and Meowth had eaten their fill, Kelly said: “So, why don’t I show you around my studio?”

Jessie, James, and Meowth just nodded their heads, too full to think of anything but the sheer amount of food they had just consumed.

“Come with me,” said Kelly cheerfully, strutting back into the main hallway. Jessie, James, and Meowth followed obediently behind her.

She led them to a room that looked like it could fit two stadiums, at one end of which was a large green screen and stage, framed with state-of-the-art camera equipment. Jessie, James, and Meowth gaped in awe for the millionth time that day. “This is where a lot of the shooting will take place,” said Kelly. “Either in here or in the garden and orchard in my backyard. My camera crew will be here in a few days to start doing takes.” Her eyes were gleaming with the spirit of creation. “In the meantime, I’ll get you your scripts.” She strode off into a small room in the back, and reemerged with three thick booklets, each of which was labeled with a different name. “These contain all the lines you’ll need for the first story we’re going to be filming. I took the liberty of highlighting all the lines you’ll need in every booklet.” She paused and looked from one member of the terrible trio to the other. “Well…I’ll just leave you to practice your lines, then,” she said. “Have fun.”